The Em Theory
by Concupiscence66
Summary: A/U  An actress named Penny is auditioning for a tv show about physicists called "Em Theory".  She opts to research her character at Cal Tech and meets a motley crew of geniuses, including a tall dark and handsome fellow named Sheldon.
1. Chapter 1

"Dear Dr. Winkle,

I am an actress and I am auditioning for the role of a young female physicist named Emily for a new sitcom called "Em Theory." I would greatly appreciate a chance to sit down with you and talk about what it's really like to be a woman in the field.

Sincerely,

Penny

xxxxxxxxx

Whatevs. My office hours are 11-1 MWF.

Leslie

xxxxxxxxxx

When Penny found Dr. Winkle's office, the door was open. It was Wednesday at 11am. She was surprised to see a petite woman with ethereally pale skin and a mass of dark ringlets pulled back at the nape of her neck, bent over a forbidding tome. She looked less like a physicist than a character from a Jane Austen book (or at least a movie adaptation of a an Austen novel). She knocked on the open door.

"I hope I'm not interrupting... I'm Penny. The actress who e-mailed you."

The woman looked up and gave a dry laugh.

"Of course you are."

Penny had worn an adorable pink business suit for the occasion. The short skirt and long jacket said, "I'm smart and important but I'm feminine, too."

At least that's what the suit said to Penny before she maxed out her Mastercard buying it. She really needed to land this role. She'd lucked into her role as "hot girl next door" on the mega-hit "How I Met Two and a Half Men". A producer from the show had been at her table at the Cheesecake Factory and was immediately taken with her. He'd written the role for the plucky waitress and even made the character from Nebraska. For the longest time, Penny was afraid the man was making it all up to get her into bed. Then she met his 'partner', Frank. Within three months of moving to California, she had a recurring role on a hit show. She loved working on the program but the character didn't even have a name. She was simply "hot girl". Penny felt she needed something more to stretch her as an actress. Like a character name. Or some lines.

Under Dr. Leslie Winkle's withering gaze, Penny suddenly knew her pink suit said, "I'm a dumb blonde."

"It's so great to meet you, Dr. Winkle. I've never met a girl scientist before!" Penny was extra effusive hoping to make up for her poor first impression.

"That's me. Come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So this show is seriously called 'Em Theory'? That's kind of funny."

Penny nodded, her face blank.

Leslie grabbed a dry erase marker and went to her board. Penny pulled out her notebook and pen.

"M-theory unites the five string theories..." Leslie took another look at Penny's blank face, "Okay, let's take a step back. You've heard of atoms, right?"

Penny nodded, "I've heard of them..."

Leslie sighed heavily and began drawing an atom.

xxxxxxxx

An hour later, Penny kind of understood M-theory. She was sorry when some stupid undergraduate knocked on the door and Leslie needed to end their lesson.

"Leslie. You are a genius!" Penny gushed.

"Yeah. That's why I get paid the big bucks," Leslie smirked but then she looked thoughtful. She told her student to wait while she took Penny down the hall to meet Leslie's "boyfriend."

"I'm still tentatively vetting him as a potential life mate. He has a lot of potential but he definitely comes with baggage."

"Kids?"

"A crazy roommate."

"Co-dependent?" Penny had dated guys like that.

"Way past co-dependent, more like fusion."

Dr. Leonard Hofstadter looked exactly the way Penny thought he would. He was short, bespectacled, and rumpled. His face was handsome with sensitive eyes and a mop of Botticelli curls to match Leslie's. He was writing an equation on a white board in red marker, the sleeve of his olive green button down was stained red from where it brushed across the board. He was the absent minded professor Penny had imagined filling the halls of Caltech.

She mouthed, "Your babies will be so cute!"

Leslie gave her a forced smile.

"Go. Away," he snapped without looking away from his work.

"Better talk nicer than that if you're hoping to get any this weekend," Leslie retorted dryly.

Leonard jumped and apologized, "I thought you were... someone else."

"Sheldon?" asked Leslie with a hint of derision.

"He's on this new kick about whether or not he could be Batman if he had the start up capital... Hi, I'm Leonard."

Penny was surprised by his friendly demeanor. He was so different from the cool and cynical Leslie. But then, looking at Leslie's face as she eyed at her "potential life mate", she didn't look so cool anymore.

"Penny is an actress and she's auditioning for some dumbass show about physicists. I just explained M-theory to her but now I've got some chucklehead in my office I need to take care of. I thought Blondie could hang out with you and your loser friends and see the real magic of science."

She didn't wait for an answer or say goodbye, she just turned on her heel and left. Leonard gave Penny another warm smile.

"Come meet my loser friends. You're in for a treat, it's steak'um day in the cafeteria."

xxxxxxx

Even from a distance, Leonard's friends looked... different. There was a smallish guy with a Dorthy Hamil haircut and rather startling green eyes. The color of his eyes was both complimented and totally overshadowed by the lime green turtleneck and bright yellow sweater he was wearing. There was a nice-looking Indian man in a hideous sweater vest who looked away nervously the moment Penny entered the room. The only normal looking guy was tall and lanky with short dark hair and bright blue eyes. He wore a Batman tee-shirt over a pale blue long sleeved shirt.

The guy in the batman shirt was probably Sheldon and she was pretty sure she knew which one was Rajesh. That made the guy in the turtle neck Howard.

"Howard can be a bit much with girls but he's harmless. Raj can't talk to women at all so don't be offended..."

"Not at all?"

"No. Not even Leslie and she tells him all the time she has a bigger dick than him. Sheldon. There's no explaining Sheldon. Just don't be offended."

"By what?"

"By anything he says. He's just... He's just Sheldon."

Penny immediately hit it off with Sheldon. He seemed wary of an intruder at the table but he was intrigued by the idea of a sitcom about physicists.

"Em theory. That's clever. It's about time network executives tapped the rich comedic vein that is accurately portrayed theoretical science. I have a joke you can use!"

The tall man pulled out a notebook and wrote an equation. When he turned it to the group, they all laughed heartily. Even Raj chuckled before he caught himself and went back to his awkward silence.

Penny stared blankly at the mess of numbers and symbols.

"It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation," explained Sheldon. He must have imagined he was being helpful.

"Why is there a kitty over the first part of the equation?" Penny asked, hoping she would somehow get the humor.

"That's Schrödinger's cat."

Leonard almost choked on his soda.

"I had no idea science was so funny!" She still wasn't sure science_ was_ funny but clearly these guys thought so and therefore, so would her character.

"We're full of surprises," added Howard with a creepy sly smile.

"You'd be surprised how many particle physicists have a whimsical side," mused Leonard.

xxxxxxxxx

Penny spent the whole afternoon at Caltech. She quickly realized Leslie had a special gift for explaining the complex and making it accessible to those without her level of education. The rest of the science she heard was pure gobbledygook.

She spent an hour being hit on by Howard as he explained why he was an engineer but worked for the physics department. She was impressed by the fact he worked so directly with NASA and by the way he could turn everything into a double entandre. The fact he could do so in six languages was simply remarkable.

"I don't know Russian so I'm not sure what you're asking me, Howard, but somehow I know the answer is NO!"

She didn't learn much from Raj but Leonard explained his work the best he could while Raj stared at his hands.

"I'm sorry I can't explain it better, I only know the basics of astrophysics."

"Leonard, you're talking to a girl who just found out the sun was a star."

Every corner of Sheldon's office was filled with white boards.

"Sheldon is a theoretical physicist so... mainly he does that," Leonard pointed to Sheldon as he stared at his white board, stroking his chin, "and sometimes he writes things down."

"That's it?"

"The stuff he writes down is amazing. Really brilliant paradigm shifting stuff but most of the time... He just stands there thinking."

It took nearly five minutes for Sheldon to acknowledge their presence and only seconds to explain what he was doing.

"I'm working on a theory to explain and unify everything in the universe."

Penny wished him luck. He looked pleased and thanked her. Then he chased them out of his office.

They spent the rest of their time together using machines from Leonard's lab to freeze and heat up food. They exchange cell numbers so she could let him know how her audition went.

xxxxxxx

Penny met with her acting coach, Ellie, to create "Emily".

"Why is Emily a physicist?"

Penny kicked herself for not asking anyone that very question.

"Come on, Penny, make this character your own. Why is she a physicist?" Ellie prompted in a gentle voice.

Penny closed her eyes and thought of Sheldon.

"She wants to understand."

"Understand what?"

"Everything."


	2. Chapter 2

enny wore the pink suit to her audition but curled and pulled her hair back in an imitation of Leslie. Emily would wear a pink suit. Like Howard, she dressed "big" because she felt small. Penny was tempted to put ink on her sleeves from the white board but odds were the casting director would just think she didn't do her laundry. There's a fine line between looking like a committed actor and looking like an idiot.

She'd been studying her notes relentlessly. She could see the string of bosons extending through dimensions or wrapping into a loop.

Then she walked into the room and her mind went blank.

When the director asked if she'd ever heard of M-theory, all she could remember was "the m stands for membrane."

The director raised an eyebrow. She wanted to knock the smug look right off his face.

"Um, but scientists like..." was his name Mitten? No, that was a cat name. It was... "Witten didn't actually buy into the membrane concept so they just went with M-theory so the m can stand for anything. Even an upside down W for Witten."

The director smiled. Penny tilted her head and fiddled with her thumbnail as she spoke in an imitation of Leonard, but the cool smile she gave after the Witten comment was all Leslie.

She was crying when she called Leonard.

"Oh, no. What happened?"

"I got it! I got it! The lead in a network show! I couldn't have done it without you guys. Dinner is on me tonight!"

Penny met everyone at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. When she tried to sit on the couch, Leonard jumped and told her not to sit there.

"That's sort of 'Sheldon's spot'. He always sits there," explained Leslie, "Leonard is just being over-protective because he knows Sheldon won't say anything."

No one met Penny's eyes.

When Sheldon walked into the room, she noticed he was wearing another tee-shirt over a long sleeved tee. She wondered if he got cold easily.

"Did you change your pants?" asked Howard, looking confused.

"Yes," Sheldon replied with a glare at his roommate, "Leonard poured a glass of grape juice on the pants I was wearing."

From the corner of her eye, Penny saw Leslie give Leonard a fist bump.

After a brief discussion, they decided to order in so they could chat more comfortably. Penny was looking forward to picking their brilliant minds. When she asked what food they should order Sheldon, Leslie and Leonard all said Chinese in unison.

Penny sat on the couch squeezed between Leslie and Sheldon. Sheldon seemed protective of his personal space but Leslie kept forcing her over. As petite as Leslie and Leonard were, Penny doubted they actually needed to take up over half the couch. So this is how doctorate holding geniuses play cupid, with the subtlety of a horse kick to the face. When she excused herself to go to the bathroom, she noticed a foot of room between Leonard and Leslie on the couch. She wondered if poor Sheldon had any idea what his friends were up to.

"Will you move down! Penny's practically in my lap! I'll never be able to eat like this," Sheldon snapped as Penny walked out of the room. That answered that.

Penny laughed to herself at the boys' bathroom. Periodic table of the elements on the shower curtain, Star Wars hair products, another white board. Wow. On a towel rack hung a pair of the most hideous plaid pants she'd ever seen. Naturally, they were stained with grape juice. Poor Sheldon. A man of his intellect being foisted on some actress who dropped out of community college.

Leonard was smiling but his teeth were clenched. Penny tried to lighten the mood by turning to Howard.

"You went to MIT, right? _Is_ this the kind of formula you saw on the bathroom stalls under 'here I sit broken hearted'?"

"I saw more derivations of the classic 'heat of the meat' and it's proportion to the 'angle of the dangle' than the Dutch."

"Do you ever say anything that isn't filled with sexual innuendo?" Penny asked.

Howard furrowed his brow, "I'm sorry. I blanked out when you said sexual. What was the question?"

Sheldon explained why his board contained "real science". She didn't understand a word of it (except the word boson, she remembered that from Leslie) but she loved watching him explain his work. His eyes were lit up and he had a hint of a smile on his boyishly handsome face. His long arms flailed dangerously (she had to duck a few times) in his enthusiasm. Between his height, his long limbs and his grandiose personality, he seemed larger than life. Penny thought he would make a wonderful sitcom character. She also thought she could definitely have a crush on this guy. The fact that he seemed indifferent to her looks made him all the more appealing. Especially when she had Howard hitting on her in Arabic, Farsi and Klingon. She wondered if Farsi was a real language or another Star Wars thing. Or Star Trek thing. She decided to keep her mouth shut and google it later.

"Penny, I'm curious," Sheldon fixed his blue eyes on her in a way that was thrilling and terrifying. She felt like she was on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' and about to go out on the first question.

"Why are you willing to sacrifice a steady job on a successful sitcom for a pilot that may never be picked up? You may well end up out of work and penniless."

"I can't imagine a worse fate than being... Penny-less," interjected Howard.

"Wow, Howard. How do you make everything sound so gross? Um. I guess when I came to California... I thought I wanted to be a movie or tv star but now I know I want to be an actress."

She looked at five blank faces.

"I want to... Don't laugh," she suddenly felt very exposed. Here she was talking about her "craft" to certified geniuses who were trying to figure out the universe.

"Are you going to say something funny?" Sheldon asked, "Because I am not very good at restraining my laughter when I hear something funny. For instance, last week when Leonard and I..."

"Shut up, Dumbass," Leslie snapped, "Penny's trying to bare her soul here."

Sheldon glared at Leonard, clearly holding him responsible for Leslie's churlish behavior. Penny had the sense it was exhausting to be Leonard.

"When I think of physicists, I think of gray-haired old men. Maybe if I saw a young woman like Emily on tv growing up, then I wouldn't have been so afraid of science. I'm not saying I could ever be like you guys cause you're all freaky deaky smart but maybe I could have, I don't know, finished college. It's just a silly tv show but I feel like it could mean something to someone and I really really want to do this character justice."

Penny could feel her face flushing. She never talked about her acting like this, much less to a bunch of people she barely knew.

Leslie nodded thoughtfully, "I get that."

"What made you become a physicist?" Penny asked (belatedly).

"It was a total act of rebellion. My parents were hippies and they always wanted me to express my feelings and crap."

"Wow," Penny mused, "I just rebelled by smoking pot and dating losers."

"I had to shove wet towels under my door just to stay straight. As for dating losers..." Leslie jerked her head meaningfully towards Leonard who laughed.

"That's me, the black sheep of the Hofstadter family," when Penny laughed, Leonard turned serious, "My sister's a doctor, my brother's a lawyer. As far as my parents are concerned, unless I win a Nobel prize, I may as well still be working at White Castle."

"Did you really work at White Castle?" Penny imagined Leonard in a suit jacket and a hair net.

"Don't be overly impressed," Sheldon interjected, "His brother got him the job."

"Yeah, he was the assistant manager. I was never able to advance that far myself, thanks to some rather scathing performance reviews from a certain anal retentive assistant manager who thought I wasn't fully committed to the White Castle ideal."

"I lost my job at Walmart when my brother shop lifted a bunch of cleaning products and cold medicine," commiserated Penny.

Sheldon looked confused, "Does your brother have dust allergies?"

"Yes, Sheldon," offered Howard with a smirk, "He was mixing up a bath tub full of allergy medicine."

Penny fell in love when Sheldon nodded like that made perfect sense. He was a perfect innocent untouched by current trends, popular media or household allergens.

She would have loved to have heard Raj explain why he became an astrophysicist. He looked so animated as he whispered into Howard's ear. Clearly he had a great passion for his work. Somehow she felt the explanation suffered in Howard's translation.

"Raj likes stars."

Howard became an engineer because he liked to put things together, repair what was broken, make things work when it seemed impossible.

Penny rehearsed the words in her mind, knowing somehow she would use this story as an actress. Howard had just laid his soul bare without offering a single personal detail. In explaining his career choice he had presented a story of a young man from a broken family, brokenhearted and burdened with guilt. It was so clear, you didn't have to be a genius to figure it out. Penny had to excuse herself again before she cried. As she left the room she heard Sheldon ask, "Do you think you're choice of career was influenced by your parent's ugly divorce and your father's subsequent abandonment?"

Genius indeed.

Penny was squeezed between the bony hips of Leslie and Sheldon trying to eat her egg rolls. She was starting to see why Leslie was so eager to find Sheldon a girl. When she asked,"What do you guys do for fun?" Sheldon responded with, "Mondays alternate between Klingon boggle and RPGs, Tuesday is either bowling or movie night, Wednesday..."

Every night was boys' night. There didn't seem to be much time for a girlfriend in Sheldon's schedule of activities. When Leonard seemed embarrassed by the torrent of activities including "old-school video night" and "New comic book day", Penny jumped in.

"My girlfriends back home and I were the same way. No make-up Mondays, total whore Tuesdays, wacky Wednesday, throw-back Thursdays. Oh, freaky Fridays when we would wear each other's clothes!"

"Those aren't activities!" Sheldon interrupted, "Those are simply dress suggestions with no connection to the day other than a shared first letter..."

"Shut up, Sheldon," snapped Howard, "Tell me more about total whore Tuesdays."

"I think I speak for all my homegirls back in Nebraska when I say 'not with a thousand condoms', Howard."

Howard's eyes lit up, "So there is a number?"

"You should come to the Riff Trax show next week!" suggested Howard. Penny was eager to spend time with her new nerdmigos (Howard was sleazy but he had a way with words) but they were having trouble coming up with a shared interest.

"What's that?"

"It's the actors from MST3K..." Leonard began.

"Is that like a charity run?"

"It's an abbreviation for Mystery Science Theater 3000," stated Sheldon as though that were some kind of explanation.

"Is that... a theater?" Penny was trying not to be dense but they just seemed to be saying random unconnected words.

"It's a show were a bunch of nerds watch bad movies and make jokes about it. They're doing a live show so all the nerds can get together and listen to those nerds make their jokes," explained Leslie.

"Oh! So the actors from the show will be there?"

They all shook their heads no.

"It's pretty funny and we won't be the only girls there. Trust me, this is your best option with these losers."

"Great! I'll be there!"

Howard leaned in meaningful, "The show is on a... Tuesday."

"Not even with 2,000 condoms".

Top of Form 1


	3. Chapter 3

Penny dressed casual for her "movie date" with the geniuses and quickly realized she was still overdressed. She had suggested a nice little Italian place for dinner but Leslie vetoed it stating Leonard lived in fear of the three tined fork. She could hear Leonard in the background saying, "Yeah. Forks are for eating. Tridents are for ruling the seven seas." Leonard was apparently much more eccentric than he let on. No wonder Leslie had her reservations.

Instead they had Chinese again. Sheldon seemed unhappy that the restaurant had changed its menu since his last visit.

"General Tso's chicken has moved from the specials to the chicken section. Has the chef lost faith in the dish or himself?"

Penny tried the shrimp with mobster sauce on a double dog dare from Howard. She did not notice any chunks of mobster so she was fairly certain it was a misprint despite Sheldon's concerns. She felt his blue eyes following her judgmentally as she double dipped her egg roll. The first time had been an accident but now she was enjoying the intensity of his gaze. He was one of those guys you just had to torment. It seemed to make no difference to Sheldon that she requested a new duck sauce so no one else would be exposed to her germs. It was apparently verboten to double dip even in your own personal bowl. He was a bit of a wackadoodle but a cute wackadoodle.

Penny suggested they get a couple scorpion bowls. Leslie suggested they get one since, "No one at this table weighs over 100 lbs."

"Excuse me, I weigh 145 lbs," announced Sheldon, seeming appalled by her hyperbole.

"You're 6'7 and weigh 120lbs. Do you really thinking you're making an argument there?"

Leonard began wildly waving for the waitress to bring them a scorpion bowl.

"This is so good! You should try it, Sheldon!" Penny wheedled.

Sheldon shook his head and sighed, "Even if I did consume ethyl alcohol, which I don't, I would hardly want to partake in this communal tub of germs and backwashed saliva."

Penny picked up Sheldon's diet coke and took a sip before putting it back down. Her eyes never left his.

His right eye was twitching.

Howard reached over and grabbed the glass and took a swig and handed it to Raj who avoided Sheldon's glare as he took his own sip and passed the glass to Leslie. Leslie took a drink and passed the glass to Leonard who tried to refuse.

"You guys all get to go home, I have to live with him."

"Don't be a wimp, Hofstadter. Drink the soda," Leslie's eyes were steel.

"Don't be absurd, Leonard. That glass is now a petri dish." Sheldon was just as steely.

"Leonard," Penny spoke meaningfully, "this soda isn't a soda. It's a symbol of independence of..."

She couldn't think of another word for independence.

"Autonomy?" suggested Howard.

"Sure, that. Drink this soda and it will set you free."

"And it will get you laid," added Leslie.

Leonard drained the glass. Then he spit the soda0 back into the glass and put it front of a horrified Sheldon.

"Now _that_ is all backwash."

Raj almost choked.

"That was so funny, dude! I almost snarfed into the scorpion bowl! Why are you all staring at me? I said I almost snarfed. The scorpion bowl is fine."

"Raj, you're t-"

Penny was cut off my Howard, "Let's let him figure it out. I must say, Penny, you have been a delightful influence on our little group. Leslie is pretending to be nice, Leonard is standing up to Sheldon, Raj is... enjoying a scorpion bowl. Now what are you going to change my life?"

"If you don't get your hand off my leg, I'm going to punch you so hard in the sack you'll be able to sing soprano."

"You're feisty. I like that in a woman."

xxxxxxx

The movie was funny. There were a lot of references she didn't get that had the geniuses guffawing but there were also plenty of references that only she got: references to things that were current and popular that sailed over their overly educated heads.

Sheldon had picked their seats by moving around the room chanting until he found the "sonic sweet spot". When she sat next to him, he quickly and protectively moved his soda to his other side forcing everyone in the group to move their sodas as well. When she took his hand in hers, his whole body tensed but he didn't pull away. His eyes kept glancing furtively in her direction but he never acknowledged her hand or made any move of his own. Her hand went to sleep from the awkward position but there was no way she was letting go until the lights went up. When they did, she slapped her totally numb hand against Howard who both deserved and enjoyed being smacked. Raj laughed and slapped his hand over his mouth, eyes wide. The scorpion bowl had worn off.

In the lobby, she pretended she couldn't overhear Sheldon and Leonard arguing. She only heard bits and pieces like Leonard saying, "It's social protocol" and "your mom wants grandchildren" and Sheldon saying "Why would she need help finding her car? Has her short term memory been impaired in some way?" and "Is this 'walk' supposed to end in impregnation?"

Penny had a feeling Sheldon didn't date much.

She also had a feeling "Em Theory" could be a great sitcom. There was clearly a price to be paid for being a genius. These were people so intelligent, they would have been burned as witches in another century. People aren't meant to be that smart.

Sheldon walked over to Penny and informed her he would be walking her to her car despite the fact that he could offer no threat to a potential assailant but he assured her he had an app on his phone that made a loud and piercing siren noise while dialing 911.

Penny took his hand again as they walked.

"I should have a script by the end of next week. I'd love it if we could get together and discuss it."

"Of course, I can schedule some time in my office on Friday..."

"I was thinking over dinner."

"On Fridays I eat Italian."

"I know a great place..."

"Does it have standard cutlery?"

"I don't know what that means."

Sheldon explained why the three-tined fork wasn't a fork. If was a familiar argument. She sensed more L&L meddling.

"I think Leslie wants me to get you out of the house so she can have more alone time with Leonard."

Sheldon scowled, "I wouldn't be surprised. She wants to marry and procreate with Leonard and raise their children to believe in loop quantum gravity."

"No!"

"Yes! She may as well teach them the world is flat and stands still while the sun revolves around it."

"What's loop quantum gravity?"

She tried to pay attention and learn, she really did. Oh, hell, she'd ask Leslie to explain it later.

When she kissed him, he froze, arms locked at his sides. When she pulled back he looked so shocked she had to kiss him again. He was so absurdly smart and so unbearably cute and, possibly for the first time in his life, he was speechless.

As she drove away, she saw the geniuses come out of the woodwork and surround Sheldon. She watched him flinch when Howard tried to give him a high five and she couldn't stop smiling the rest of the way home.


	4. Chapter 4

Penny eagerly read the script, her heart in her throat.

_Please don't suck. Please don't suck._

The first shot finds Em primping in her car in front of a large and intimidating old building.

She introduces herself to her reflection in her rearview mirror over and over trying to find the right balance of friendly, charming and brilliant.

She steps out of the car, the camera following her legs as she steps onto the sidewalk. Her heel immediately sinks into a crack in the pavement, snaps off and sends Em sprawling to the ground. She bumps someone on the way down and his coffee spills on to her crisp white shirt.

Em looks at her shirt, at the intimidating building and back at her shirt.

"I wonder if McDonald's is hiring."

Theme song.

Em limps into an office holding her broken heel.

"Hi..." she greets the concerned looking secretary, "My name is Dr. Emily Stratten."

She tries to be dazzling and brilliant but fails.

As Penny read the script, she tossed her head and gave her most dazzling smile

"I would like to reschedule my interview with Dr. Allens..."

"The one you're supposed to have in two minutes?"

"Yes. That one. As you can see..."

"This is Dr. Allen's last round of interviews. Unless you have a pretty incredible CV..."

The secretary appears to review Em's CV.

"Honey, you need to just smile and get through this interview. At least you'll be memorable."

The following scene was the interview and it was chock full of incomprehensible lingo. Penny couldn't wait to sort through it with Leslie.

She sat on her couch and waited for it to be time to go to the university and nearly buzzed with excitment.

She was 95% sure she could do this.

She was so excited, she nearly ran to Leslie's office with her script clutched in her hand.

She heard Leonard before she saw him and saw him just a little too late to keep from running straight into him. Even as she hit the ground, she felt happy. It was good practice for the role.

She was on her feet first and offered Leonard a hand, "You look different. What's different?"

"Do I look like a stoner working the graveyard shift at a gas station?" Leonard asked as he brushed grass from his red jeans.

He was wearing a tee shirt with some kind of robot on it, and a khaki jacket layered over a red hooded sweat shirt.

"Kind of."

"Don't tell Leslie you saw me. I just dropped by to bring Sheldon..." Leonard stopped talking but his mouth kept moving like a fish out of water. She was really learning to appreciate the difference between stunning brilliance and common sense.

"Just say it! I know you and Leslie think you're clever but I don't care if Sheldon is a little eccentric..."

"A little eccentric? I've been pulling all nighters all week but here I am bringing Sheldon a new pen because Raj coughed on his... So, you and Sheldon have plans tonight?"

"Smooth."

Leonard shrugged, "Physicists aren't known for their people skills. Is that your script?"

Penny didn't so much answer as bounce around and grin. Leonard sent her on her way to see Leslie after another prompt not to mention seeing him on campus.

Penny let herself into Leslie's office while the petite woman angrily typed at her keyboard.

"Do you tell Leonard how to dress?"

"I've asked him not to dress like the stoner who sells me Red Bull at 3am at the gas station down the street. His choices beyond that are on his own head."

She peeked at Leslie's screen, hoping to see her brilliance in action. It turned out Leslie was just blowing up Sheldon's Facebook page with comments about Superman being able to run faster than the Flash.

"Why are you tormenting Sheldon?"

"Because the man needs to be tormented. Why do you think I introduced him to you? Let's see your script. I hope it doesn't suck."

Although her words were harsh, Penny had the feeling the physicist was being sincere. Leslie seemed really interested in seeing her profession shown in a different light.

They went over the "shop talk" in the script which, for the most part, met with Leslie's approval. The scientist found some of the theories a bit "stodgy" but generally accurate.

Leslie had Penny write formulas and theories on the board and, amazingly, some of it made sense to the actress. Having even the vaguest understanding of these complicated concepts filled Penny with pride. She had never considered herself to be "smart" but she was starting to think she was a little brighter than she'd previously believed.

"Leslie, maybe you could be a consultant for the show. You're so good at explaining this stuff."

Leslie clapped her hands in imaginary joy, "Oh goody! Then maybe I can get a boob job before I win my Nobel prize."

Penny was ready to leave Leslie to her work when, for the first time, Leslie initiated small talk.

"So... big plans tonight, Barbie?"

"I have a date with Sheldon, actually," she responded, knowing full well that Leslie knew the answer to her own question.

"Great! Great! That should be..."

"Great?" Penny offered helpfully.

"Yeah. Great. Listen. Sheldon is crazy and annoying and weird and he can be kind of a dick..."

"Tell me how you really feel."

"But... Don't ever repeat this," Leslie whispered and she jumped up to shut the door, "Sheldon is a cool guy."

Leslie pulled out a notebook full of red and blue writing. It quickly became obvious that the blue writing was Leonard's and the red writing was Leslie's. Written in blue were things like, "Honest, punctual and good friend." Written in red were words like "Dumbass, annoying, belongs in institution." There were graphs, charts and diagrams. Although Penny could tell exactly was she was looking at, she still had to ask, "What the hell is this?"

"Leonard and I have spent a lot of time determining that you and Sheldon have the potential to be life mates. At first, I just wanted him the fuck out of the apartment but the research indicates you may have the potential for a long term relationship here."

Penny flipped through the notebook, there were a series of scales and numbers comparing her and Sheldon.

"I'm a seven out of ten for looks?"

Leslie had to get on her tip toes to look at the notebook as Penny help it. She had such a big personality, it was easy to forget she was tiny.

"That's an adjusted score," Leslie offered helpfully, "Leonard pointed out we should consider your broad Midwestern face which is unlikely to age well while Sheldon has great bone structure and will probably get better looking with age. Comparable physical attractiveness is strongly correlated with long term success in a relationship."

Penny considered stomping on the tiny scientist but held her temper. She was intrigued by the research. She never gave much thought to her relationships. She met someone and either felt a spark or didn't. She felt a spark with Sheldon.

"As you can see from this graph," Leslie flipped ahead a few pages, "Your first date is a big time danger zone. Without Leonard and I there to mitigate Sheldon's craziness... You're going to have to try very hard to see past his dumbassery to the person underneath."

"Tell me about the person underneath." If even Leslie had fond feelings for the eccentric man, he must be something special.

Leslie frowned as she spoke, "He's honest. Stupidly honest. He doesn't have the sense to protect himself or tell the little white lies that make people like you. He lies to himself. He pretends to be totally happy with himself but if you push even a little bit... He's still a little nerdy weirdo waiting to have his head shoved in a toilet. He'd rather be alone forever than risk someone destroying the house of cards that is his ego. He tries really hard to be a good friend. It doesn't come naturally to him but he really does try. He holds everyone up to the same absurd standards so even when he's judgemental, you know it's nothing personal. It doesn't matter if you're Howard or the stoner at the gas station, anyone who isn't as smart as him is an idiot."

"Is that supposed to be a good quality?"

"It's nice to know where you stand with someone and you have that with Sheldon. And it's kind of cute when he's being a giant dumbass. He's so clueless," Leslie had a surprisingly warm look on her face as she made the last statement. She clearly had a well-hidden positive regard for Sheldon.

"Any advice for my big date?"

"Try not to punch him and ask about his Meemaw."


	5. Chapter 5

Penny took a long bath, shaved her legs, curled her hair and tried on everything she owned. After realizing that every item in her closet made her look like a hick from Nebraska, she called Leslie.

"What do you want from me? You are a hick from Nebraska."

"If you want me to get Sheldon out of your hair, you need to get over here and TELL ME I'M PRETTY!"

Leslie was there in twenty minutes: sitting on Penny's bed, drinking a smoothie and being of absolutely no help.

"They all look fine, what am I supposed to say?"

"Tell me which dress is most... is best suited to my date with Sheldon."

"Do any of your dresses have directions sewn in to tell him what to do with your lady parts? If you do, I'd wear that dress."

"So not helpful. Do you want me to cancel the date? Then you could spend the night with Leonard while Sheldon yells at you through the wall not to split your infinitives during sex."

For the first time, Leslie looked interested, "Leonard told you about that?"

"Of course not! He told Howard and Howard sent me a text."

2.

Leslie was eventually able to be helpful. She helped Penny choose a simple black dress that, according to Leslie, highlighted the hour glass dimensions of her figure without being so revealing as to frighten Sheldon. Penny had spent so much time making sure she didn't produce offspring, it seemed bizarre to try and advertise her fertility. She mentioned her musings to Leslie who nodded thoughtfully.

"What does Sheldon like to talk about?"

"Himself. The stupid things he likes."

"Anything I might be able to talk about?"

"Not if you aren't Sheldon Cooper, a fourteen-year-old boy or a physicist."

"Then what am I going to talk to him about?" Penny was starting to feel anxious. It was one thing to tease Sheldon in a group setting and moon over his pretty eyes but what on Earth would they talk about one on one?

Leslie shrugged, "It's not a good thing that he only wants to talk about himself and comic books. He needs to broaden his horizons."

"What do you and Leonard talk about?"

"Rosin, Guage-gravity duality, soy cheese, Liszt..."

"But what about when you _really_ talk? What do you really talk about?"

Leslie rolled her eyes at Penny, "When we talk about life, the universe and everything?"

"Yes."

"That was a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference. You're going to need to know that if you want to marry Sheldon."

Penny involuntarily recoiled from the word. Since breaking up with Kurt, she'd developed a bit of a commitment phobia.

Leslie laughed, "That's the same reaction I get from Leonard when I talk about marriage. Were you scarred by your parents' cold and loveless marriage, too?"

"No, my parents were awesome. The scarring came later in life," Penny explained, "Do you think you guys will get married? You seem like such a cute couple."

Leslie scowled, "Being a 'cute couple' doesn't make a relationship any less likely to crash and burn after a few years."

"I bet Leonard will be a great dad," Penny added, determined to stay positive even in the face of Leslie Winkle.

Leslie didn't say anything sarcastic, she didn't mock Penny's relentless positivity.

She simply asked, "Do you really think so?"

"Oh my God! You're pregnant!"

3.

Penny drove Leslie to the boys' apartment so she could squeal about Leslie's future curly-headed baby. While she understood Leslie's concerns about having become pregnant while on birthcontrol, the impact on her relationship with the father and how she would balance a baby and a career, she kept coming back to the same thought.

"You're going to be a mommy!"

Even Leslie had to smile at the word.

4.

Penny walked Leslie up the four flights of stairs, resisting the urge to offer her an arm like she was an invalid. Leslie reminded/threatened her not to breath a word to Sheldon or Leonard.

When Leonard seemed startled by her effusive hug, Penny explained that she was just really excited about her date with Sheldon.

Sheldon's body language made it clear that he did not want a hug. He held his hands in front of him defensively as though the loud checkered suit he was wearing wasn't deterant enough. Leslie shooed them out the door as Sheldon grilled Penny about their dinner plans.

5.

The drive to the restaurant did not bode well for the rest of the date. Sheldon spent twenty minutes asking about the safety of her car, her driving record, the menu at the Cheesecake Factory and the Cheesecake Factory's cleanliness.

"I worked there before I got my first acting job. I wouldn't eat there if it wasn't clean!"

Sheldon seemed unconvinced.

6.

Penny squealed when she saw Bernadette. They hadn't worked together long or had much in common but she always thought the squeaky voiced blonde was adorable. Bernadette shrieked and demanded Penny's autograph.

"I can't believe you are a star and you're back here! This is better than when Leonard Nimoy was here!"

Sheldon's eyebrows rose, "Leonard Nimoy eats here?"

Penny nudged Bernadette who followed her lead.

"He LOVES this place," Penny assured him, "He says the Godiva chocolate cheesecake could bring him over to the dark side."

"Why would he reference another franchise? Leonard Nimoy is from Star Trek, not Star Wars."

"Jeez," Bernadette huffed, "The man is really old! You can't expect him to remember every little detail."

Sheldon did not look convinced about the story, but he had clearly changed his mind about the Cheesecake Factory.


	6. Chapter 6

Sheldon scowled at the extensive menu, apparently displeased with everything offered.

Every attempt at conversation crashed and burned.

"Leslie says you're close to your Mee-Maw..."

"What did Leslie say about Mee-Maw? No one talks about my Mee-Maw!"

So much for that conversation starter.

Sheldon ordered a BBQ Bacon cheeseburger with everything on the side. Penny ordered a salad, thinking she should watch her weight if she was going to be on TV (they say the camera adds ten pounds). When her salad arrived - piled a good foot high on her plate - she remembered that they also say a Cheesecake Factory salad adds ten pounds.

Sheldon scrutinized her salad, "Is there lettuce under those toppings? I think this restaurant is playing fast and loose with the term 'salad'. I don't trust this place."

Penny laughed at what she thought was a joke, but Sheldon just looked confused. Every time she felt ready to stab him is the face with a fork for being so persnickety and annoying, he showed the true depths of his clueless nature and her heart softened. This must be how Leonard felt every day.

"So, you and Leonard have been roommates for a while, right?"

Sheldon wasn't quite smiling but his eyes lit up, "Five years. He's not just my roommate, he's my best friend. If I may employ some modern slang, we have each other's backs."

Penny could have thrown him on the table and taken him right there. He was so... so Sheldony! He was so oblivious to social norms: One minute he was wildly offensive, the next he was wearing his heart on his sleeve like a child.

Sheldon continued, "Leonard is my best friend, Raj is my secondary friend and Wolowitz will return to his tenuous place as my third closest friend once he finishes his friendship refresher course."

Penny laughed but it quickly became clear from his expression that Sheldon was not joking.

"What about Leslie? I know the two of you butt heads but you must be friends by now."

"Leslie is a tiresome acquaintance at best. Oh, how I regret I suggesting Leonard pursue her as a sexual partner."

"You suggested they go out? Then you must have liked her at some point."

"I thought she was a suitable mate for Leonard. They have similar interests and both come from high achieving families. While they may be sloppy in their methodology, they both have a potential for greatness. Their offspring would also have the potential for greatness as long as they had a suitable mentor."

"You?"

"Naturally," Sheldon replied with no trace of humor or irony.

"So you weren't so much match-making as breeding?"

Sheldon thought it over, "In your folksy, home-spun way, you're essentially correct."

"So if they do decide to have a baby, you'd be fine with that. Right? It would be a good thing, wouldn't it?"

Sheldon wrinkled his brow, "Leslie appears to have committed herself to the traditional romantic pairing paradigm these days. I don't believe they will have a baby until they've had a sufficiently long courtship, engagement and have been married for a year. I had hoped for a scenario where she would simply share custody or hand the baby over to Leonard entirely."

Penny drained the wine in her glass and desperately beckoned Bernadette for more. If "Em Theory" took off, she already had an idea for a spin-off. "Two Physicists and a Baby." It might be a funny sitcom but it sounded like a terrifying reality.

"Well, I'm sure Leslie would still let you mentor her baby even if she insists on raising it herself."

"We have currently have an acrimonious relationship. She calls me names and says I'm sexist"

"Why?"

"I simply told her that her best contribution to science would be to produce babies and she took offense!" Sheldon looked so scandalized that Penny had to laugh. It was amazing Sheldon was still alive to tell the tale.

"Did you tell her your little theory about how her and Leonard's offspring would be little geniuses that you would mold into... whatever is better than just being a genius?"

"I never had the chance, she started throwing things at me."

xxx

Penny spent the meal debating sex or no sex. She usually knew by the time she got to the restaurant with a guy but, with Sheldon, it was a bit more complicated. He was cute. Sex. He was condescending. No sex. He was too clueless to realize he was being an ass. Possible sex. He loved his Mee-Maw and he had a serious bromance going on with Leonard. She couldn't decide if he was devoted and loyal or just creepy and clingy. She got her dessert to go. After her enormous salad, any more food would not only mean no sex - it would mean no moving period. She'd have to roll out of the restaurant.

Penny took Sheldon's arm as they left the restaurant. Sheldon looked disturbed but didn't pull away. She was barely listening to what he said, he was jibber-jabbing about some cat in a box. In her experience, you didn't need to open a box to know if a cat was dead or not. Apparently physicists lost their sense of smell on their way to a Ph.D.

"Penny, Penny, Penny..."

"What? Cat's in a box. Uncertainty. Got it."

"How are we getting home? You've drinking and I don't drive."

"I've had two glasses of wine, I can drive."

"Oh, no you can't! Two glasses of wine for a woman your size is enough to impair your motor skills significantly. Even the slightest impairment can be the difference between life and a horrible, fiery, dismembering death..."

Penny tuned out again as she called for a cab. She was going to have to make a decision on sex and Sheldon wasn't making much of an argument for himself.

Although he did look good by moonlight and he was quite tall.

Penny continued to make non-committal noises as Sheldon chattered on. They were climbing into the cab when Sheldon mentioned his plan to split up Leonard and Leslie.

"As much as Leonard love coitus, I believe he loves science more and if he's forced to chose between string theory and Leslie," Sheldon explained, smugly, "Let's just say she'll be the Zune to my Ipod."

"You can't break up Leslie and Leonard! They're going to have... a..." Penny scrambled for an end to the sentence. Damn Sheldon was right. Two glasses of wine had impaired her mental faculties.

"Have a what?" Sheldon asked. His blue eyes were wide and guileless. He was too naive to jump to the obvious conclusion but he'd be there in a minute. Penny had to distract him.

She grabbed him by the lapels of his hideous checked suit jacket and kissed him. It was like kissing a brick wall but Penny knew there was something there. There was a heart inside that giant brain. Not actually inside the brain, that would be ridiculous but... Penny's thoughts were becoming scattered because Sheldon was responding.

It was subtle. He opened his lips just the tiniest bit but he allowed Penny's tongue to explore his mouth. She tasted the barbeque and lemonade, sweet and tart. She hoped she didn't tasted too strongly of the bacon from her salad.

Sheldon hesitantly put a hand on her hip and leaned into the kiss. It was a little sloppy at first but he was a quick learner. She pushed his jacket off his shoulders. Despite what the leering taxi driver might have thought, she wasn't planning on cab sex; it was just a terrible jacket. He looked much better stripped down to a striped shirt.

xxx

Penny led Sheldon to her apartment by the hand. He was flushing and avoiding her eyes but he was following her eagerly.

She didn't bother offering Sheldon coffee, she didn't want to kill the mood with some silly argument about caffeine intake at a late hour. She felt certain he would latch on anything at this point to make him feel like he was back in his own territory.

She pulled him straight into the bedroom.

"Penny, you've had two glasses of wine and your judgment may be impaired so, as a gentleman, I have to suggest we hold off on coitus for at least another hour to allow your body to finish metabolizing..."

"Shut up, Sheldon."

Knowing words would never be enough, she silenced him with her mouth and her hands. Once his pants were on the floor, he was positively pre-verbal. His body was slim but nicely toned. He watched her with saucer-like blue eyes as she pulled down his white briefs. He _would_ wear tighty whities. She slid a condom on for him, fearing he'd insist of reading the instructions. He bit his lip as she took him in her mouth but he never stopped watching her. She wasn't sure he blinked until it was over. He warned her before he came by saying, "Penny, I think..." She got the message. She cleaned him up and laid down on the bed beside him.

"That was... very pleasant. Thank you, Penny," he continued to flail for appropriate pillow talk. Clearly, he hadn't been coached on this part of the evening, or if he had, the note cards were probably in his pants on the floor.

"I'm not sure of the protocol at this point, " Sheldon continued, "I imagine reciprocity is in order."

Sheldon spoke the words like he was contemplating eating a shoe.

"We're just taking a break, Sheldon. We're not done yet," Penny explained, running a hand over his pale chest.

Sheldon looked intrigued, "Are you referring to coitus?"

"If coitus means sex, then yes," Penny agreed as she unzipped her dress, "We're going to have coitus."

"It does," Sheldon added unnecessarily. How could she have ever doubted sex was on?

xxx

Sheldon was frustratingly slow as he explored her body. His touch and lips were light and gentle but _very_ thorough. Despite his initial hesitance,

he 'reciprocated' with surprising enthusiasm. By the time he entered her, he looked almost relaxed. They kissed the whole time. She wasn't sure if Sheldon was being romantic or if kissing was still such a novelty that he didn't want to stop. Penny was usually pretty loud and assertive in bed, but she allowed Sheldon to take the lead, let him find his way. She slid her hand between them to help herself along, and when she came, he followed suit. They lay together in comfortable silence for a while, until Sheldon asked how he was getting home. Should he call Leonard?

"You can stay here, tonight."

Sheldon looked dubious.

"If you stay here, you do realize there will be more sex, right?"

Sheldon sent Leonard a text. For the next hour, Sheldon's phone buzzed with text after text, probably one from every member of the physics department and the crew at the comic book store. Penny just got one message. It was from Leslie and read, "Thanks for taking one for the team."

In the morning, they had sex (after Sheldon brushed his teeth with unopened travel toothbrush he kept in his jacket).

As they enjoyed the post-coital silence (the only time Sheldon was awake and quiet) when Sheldon suddenly asked, "Is Leslie pregnant?"

Penny's lack of an answer was all the answer he needed. He frowned but said nothing more on the subject.

xxx

She dropped him off in the morning and said she'd call him.

A week went by and she didn't call.

Leslie sent her several texts that she deleted without reading.

When Penny got the call to report for filming, she knew she really just wasn't going to call. Her new life was already so complicated. She couldn't imagine adding someone as complicated as Sheldon. She felt like a terrible person but she'd learned the hard way that she needed to put self-preservation first.

She wanted to be a star, it was all she'd ever wanted and she was finally on her way.


End file.
